


Unfair

by templarsandhoes



Series: Things You Said After it Was Over [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Post-Horizon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 07:54:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7258987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/templarsandhoes/pseuds/templarsandhoes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nicole and a bottle of alcohol bond after she receives an email from Kaidan after Horizon</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unfair

“ _Do you even remember that night before Ilos?_ ”

The question rang in Nicole’s ears, even though she had never heard him speak the words. Her blue eyes watered slightly as she abruptly turned around towards the elevator. Her heart was pounding in her ears. This wasn’t happening, this couldn’t be happening. Her back hit the wall of the elevator with force. The doors closed, and tears fell from her eyes she had forced shut.

Of course she remembered the night before Ilos. How could she forget. The memories flashed in her mind constantly, and usually at the worst times. She had never felt happier than in that moment, She missed him, ached for him. Kaidan completed her, made her confident enough to take on the galaxy.

She was reckless on Horizon, her usual calm demeanor on the battlefield in shambles. He was here, and possibly being taken away from her again. Her fingers were shaking on the trigger of her assault rifle, pulling when they weren’t supposed to, freezing when they needed to pull. After each wave of Collectors, she had to shake her head, clear her stammering thoughts. Suddenly, he was standing in front of her, beautiful as ever. Instinct forced her into his open arms, the familiar scent of his cologne making her heart race. Everything was perfect, until it wasn’t.

Now, here she stood. The door to her cabin closing behind her, unaware she had even stepped into her cabin. She wiped her eyes, a sob escaping her lips. “God,” she said to herself. She looked around her room, eyes darting around without much focus. “Fuck,” she muttered. She knew she had some sort of alcohol up here, a stash hidden from the watchful eyes of the Illusive Man. She also knew that drinking her pain away was a terrible idea. But, she was sure there was nowhere left for her to go, no ground underneath her to sink down lower. She found the bottle, of fucking course it’s whiskey. The one time she didn’t want to be reminded of him, didn’t want to imagine he was there laughing at the face she made after a shot. She searched again, desperate for something else. She could venture out, see if Kasumi had some better choices hidden in her space. No. This was her burden, her mistake to make.

She took a breath, her pride crumbling before her. She found the bottle in her hand, hesitating before twisting the cap. Would this really help? Would she feel any better drowning her sorrows? Did he really walk away like that? Did he tell her he loved her and then turn around, saying what was probably goodbye? A single tear fell from her eyes as she twisted the bottle cap open. “Goodbye, Kaidan,” she whispered. The bottle came to her lips and she drank. And drank. And she drank.

Half the bottle was gone, the tears never stopping for more than a few minutes. He was going on dates. And with a doctor, no less. She couldn’t compare to a smart ass doctor. She was probably beautiful, too. Not a scar on her body from endless battles. No weird Prothean ciphers in her brain. No nightmares. Doctors did everything they could to save lives, something that no matter how hard Nicole tried, could never happen. And that doctor probably didn’t drink a shit ton of whiskey when something bad happened to her.

Doctor could probably give him a family, a steady home. What could Nicole give him? Certainly no stability, no place to call their own. At one time, Nicole believed that Kaidan wanted a life with her. Was she projecting what she wanted onto him? Another swig. Her face scrunched up, and she felt her cheeks burning. She hated her cheeks, hated how they failed to show her emotions. Kaidan once said he loved them, once littered her cheeks with his lips, his smiling lips. Did he notice her cheeks on Horizon? Did he see the pink blush that grew when she saw him again? Would he still love her cheeks like he used to?

She got up from the couch, her brain moving at a slower pace. Water. She needed a drink of water. She wanted every bad feeling, every good feeling about Kaidan gone, but she didn’t want to throw up. He wouldn’t make her throw up. Kicking herself for not keeping more water bottles in her room, she took a deep breath and walked towards the elevator. Hopefully Rupert was off duty. Lord knows she did not want to see him down there. In fact, she didn’t want to see anyone down there.

The elevator seemed slower than usual, more jerky than usual. She kept her eyes down as she walked, her hands attempting to tie her hair back. She was probably just fumbling with it, no real ponytail being produced. Turning the corner, she heard someone in the mess. _Shit_ , she thought. She looked up, ready to head back into the elevator if need be. All she saw was a baseball cap. She sighed, relieved that it was only Joker. He turned around towards her. “Hey Commander,” he said. The coffee machine started to brew.

“It’s not fair,” she answered. She walked towards the fridge. Confused, Joker just watched her. She stood in front of the fridge, choking back a sniffle as she opened the door. She wiped an eye as she grabbed a water bottle. She turned towards him as she opened it.

“I’m lost,” he said. His eyes studied her for a bit.

“What happened. To all of you. It wasn’t fair,” she said. She chugged the water bottle, three-quarters of it gone before she stopped.

“Holy crap, are you drunk?”

“Kaidan started seeing other people. While I was…” she trailed off. Her gaze was suddenly on the counter. Joker bit his lip, turning towards the coffee machine.

“It was a long time-”

“I know. That’s what’s not fair,” she interrupted. She was met with a blank stare from her pilot. “It was a night’s rest for me. One minute I’m on the Normandy, and eight hours later I’m waking up in a facility. But it wasn’t eight hours,” she explained.

“It was two years,” he said, finishing her thought.

“It’s not fair that he had to mourn me, that you had to mourn me. It’s not fair that I,” she rambled, a tear threatening to fall. “It’s just not fucking fair,” she finished. She nodded to him, then slowly started to walk towards the elevator again. Her eyes were full of tears, her steps had purpose as she moved. The doors to the elevator opened, and she slowly stepped in, wiping her eyes. She pressed the button for her cabin.

As the doors slid closed, she cried. And cried. And she cried. Her back slid down the wall, her body curled up on the floor. “Kaidan, I’m so sorry,” she said through her sobbing. “It wasn’t fair and I’m… so.... Sorry.”


End file.
